Tuesday, April 13, 2010

If I Want and Extra Layer of Thickness I'll Eat More Ice Cream

Oh my goodness.

You all know how I feel about covering myself head to toe in spandex and other stretchy fabrics. Well, all the bike shorts and sports bras in the world could not have prepared me for what I currently look like in a wetsuit. Dolphin? Nope. Sea lion? Still no. Walrus? Sadly… yes.

So as I rub glide onto all my parts that “bend, twist, or rub” and try to shimmy myself into the neoprene sausage casing, I wonder, what happened to manning up and just wearing a swimsuit? And not the I’m-too-modest-to-show-my-thighs-jammers, but a Speedo. Old school. Quit your crying. Rub some lanolin on yourself and get in the water.

(yes- even as a vegetarian, I’m down with rubbing a greasy yellow substance secreted by the sebaceous glands of domestic sheep all over myself if it means I don’t have to look like walrus sausage…)

It was time to quit stalling and get this thing on. I put aside my germaphobia. I told myself the wetsuit was free of manmade liquid heat. I inhaled though my nose. I exhaled through my mouth. I stepped in with the first foot. I pulled. I hopped. I held my breath. I tugged. I tucked. I shook one leg. Then the other. I considered having someone sit on me like an overstuffed suitcase. I considered more glide. I considered astroglide. I bent. I stretched. I reached. And somehow, after an eternity of doing this awkward little dance, I found the strength to get the wetsuit mostly where it went. Ta-daaaa! Walrus.

After squeezing myself into the wetsuit while missing the comfort of a one piece swimsuit, I stood looking at my neoprene clad brethren. Were they as uncomfortable as I was? How were they managing to suck in for minutes at a time? Why are they all laughing? Is it because I look like I’m wearing a tutu under my wetsuit?

This experience has killed my genius idea for full body spanx. Now I know the fat has to go somewhere. In my case it’s worked its way into a fluffy mess about my middle and pushed itself up near my chest and neck choking me whilst all the little fat cells laugh. Go ahead and laugh for now, little fat cells. I’m killing you off. Bastards.

If the wetsuit was this hard to get on, how will I ever get it off. I am the walrus. Coo coo ca choo...

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Dale said...

What?!?!?! You must be fishing for compliments because you're a stone cold foxxxx! That being said; get to the pool, strap on you swim cap, and I'll do the same. We've got work to do.

Lily's Mom said...

You are a braver person than I. There's no way in hell I would squeeze into one of those things!

Lacey Joe said...

I love you both! Swim cap, goggles, to the pool? Mission accepted! I have a day of open water inAustin this weekend. I'll have to keep you posted.